Drunks on a Train

 

By Jack Engelhard

 

Over the weekend there was a BEER FESTIVAL in Atlantic City. This event drew thousands from throughout Pennsylvania, New Jersey and states east, west, north and south, and in fact (at least I think it’s a fact) there’s nothing like a beer festival to get people hopping on trains, planes and automobiles heading for the shore. Once upon a time there was The Miss America Pageant, but that’s all gone, and we’re left with beer, beer pageants.

Details

Call Me Stimulus

 

By Jack Engelhard

 

Obama Never Wanted To Be President. He Just Wanted To Be Loved.

 

The Stimulus Bill weighs in at 1,588 pages – not exactly a page turner. The same lawmakers who wrote this heavyweight boondoggle, and voted for it, never read it, and that’s why there’s all this amazement about those bonuses for AIG. Nobody knows what’s in this package, except for $850 BILLION of our money that’s going, going, gone.

 

According to my calculations, that’s one thousand dollars per word, or maybe a million dollars per page. That’s a writer’s dream.

 

Mark Twain got a nickel a word and Ernest Hemingway maybe a dime or a quarter.

 

“Moby Dick” runs 464 pages. On those rates (if he were writing for Congress) Herman Melville would have died wealthy instead of poor, or started the novel with, “Call me Rich,” instead of Ishmael. “War and Peace” ends at page 1,296. Using the same math, Leo Tolstoy died poor for no reason except for the fact that he wrote novels instead of legislation.

 

(How do I get in on this?)

 

I actually heard three senators say that they never read the bill, that, indeed, nobody in Congress read the small print or even the BIG PRINT. Nada.

Details

Madoff: The Perfect Storm for anti-Semitism

By Jack Engelhard

 

They needed a picture, a poster boy, to be the face of our economic collapse and as if on cue, here came Bernard Madoff.

 

They got their man. He’s Jewish. How perfect. The mystery is solved. They know whom to blame. The Jews.

 

Right after Madoff was exposed, I overheard this conversation in a restaurant: “You heard about this guy Madoff?”

 

“Yup – here go those Jews again.”

Details

I Will Now Define Torture

By Jack Engelhard

 

Former detainee, Binyam Mohamed, reports that practically everything was brutal during his confinement but worst of all were those CD blasts from rapper Eminem.

 

Finally, we know how to break alleged terrorists. Forget water-boarding. That’s peanuts. Give them our culture, domestic or imported, and surely they will confess. Give them, say, 10 minutes of Bill Maher, softly or loudly, and they’re sure to spill their secrets and tell us where bin Laden is hiding. (I’ve tried Maher for nearly an hour – true torture – and was ready to confess my own crimes and misdemeanors to anyone who would listen.)

Details