Trade In Grandma and Other Clunkers (Save Obama’s Healthcare)


By Jack Engelhard


Hello, I’m from the government and I’m here to help.


Our “cash for clunkers” has proven to be so successful that we’ve decided to extend the program for cars – and for people. Of course there is no place to trade in your elderly, people, in other words, that have too much mileage on them. You cannot simply dump and deposit seniors in some lot, get cash for them, and then go home.


So as part of our new and improved healthcare bill, we’ve inaugurated a set-up where people over the age of 65 will be – speaking frankly – at the mercy of the government. Since we know best, we the government will decide who shall live and who shall die. If, for example, a person begins to stutter, or if, for example, a man or a woman has already served his or her purpose in life, well, it’s time to go.


Some people simply aren’t worth the bother.


Yo, Glenn Beck, Cool It On New Jersey!

By Jack Engelhard


I caught your show on Fox the other day, the one where you removed New Jersey from the map and I guess I was supposed to laugh but I didn’t. This is where I live and it’s as fine a place as any other in the Unites States of America – and maybe even better. Yes, I scan the headlines, too, so I know about all the arrests. I know there’s corruption.


Hello? From state to state, where isn’t there corruption? I could pick any state – the rest of the 49 – and name names but I won’t so as not to insult the good people who live there and who have nothing to do with pay-to-play. Where to begin? Pennsylvania, which just got through sentencing that man Fumo? New York? Does the name Eliot Spitzer ring a bell? North Dakota? How about Rob Blagojevich?


Let’s not even talk about Louisiana and Illinois.   


Sorry to be mentioning some names but I just couldn’t help myself – though, if pressed, I could mention even more.


Who Will Be Our First Trillionaire?

By Jack Engelhard


Those who have read the book or seen the movie “Indecent Proposal” know what it’s about – what would you do for a million dollars? At the time that I wrote and published the novel back in the mid-1980s, a million dollars was real money. That’s how we defined RICH, by the millions.


Larry King (when I appeared on his radio show) asked me why I chose the figure a million dollars for a night of infidelity and before I could answer he agreed. He said, “That’s right. A million dollars is the magic word.” That was then and this is now, and how times have changed!


Suddenly, you are nothing if you are not a billionaire with a b. (I’m not changing a thing. A million dollars is still plenty in my book.)


Donald Trump is actually suing a man, a writer, who claims, in a book, that Trump is a mere millionaire. Trump says it’s ruining his image and his business.


Imagine that – we’ve arrived at a moment when being called a millionaire is an insult. (The rest of us should be so insulted.)


Ogling The News (Blondes Invade TV)

By Jack Engelhard

[News Flash! A few days after I wrote this commentary and was still polishing it, the UK Telegraph, coincidentally, reported that “Blondes Dull Men’s Brains.” (I’m not making this up.) The article goes on to say, “Researchers concluded that men performed worse after they were shown pictures of fair-haired women.” So, it’s scientifically proven that blondes are coming to take over the world and turn the rest of us into mutants. Terrifying! We, men, may have to hide in caves to hide from the glare. I’ve already begun wearing sunglasses.]

How did the news get to be so blonde? This is not a complaint. In fact, this is a tribute, I think.

Back in the old days, when we thought only men can handle the truth, TV news was delivered by Serious White Males, like Walter Cronkite, which is not to say that the blondes who’ve taken over are not serious. I’m sure they’ve got the requisite gravitas, but they make the going so much sweeter. Wars, earthquakes, forest fires come and go. The blondes endure.

If you’re thinking Katie Couric, fine, but I’m not. I’m thinking mostly cable, CNN, MSNBC and Fox – mostly Fox. That’s where blondes have more fun. By this I mean nearly everyone, from the anchors to the guests, are blonde! The political commentators, the psychologists, the historians who arrive for sound bites- they’re all babes, but babes with brains.


Naked Without a Teleprompter

By Jack Engelhard


This may come as a shock to readers who think I’m exceedingly smart or stupid, but listen, I do it my way, all on my own.


I have no staff to hand me material. Like other civilians, I walk through life entirely spontaneous. I even write books all by myself – wrote them all without help.


I take full responsibility for this column and for the thousands I’ve written throughout the years. 


But David Letterman makes $35 million a year reading off cue cards?


This man Letterman, as I understand it, now blames his writers for the Palin jokes that went over like a lead balloon.


Whom can I blame when I go wrong?


Of Will Ferrell and Bullying and Bush

By Jack Engelhard

I don’t get to New York that often so I never caught Will Ferrell’s Broadway show on George W. Bush – an hour or so of “comedy.” But the one-man extravaganza – a big hit during its Broadway run – was given time on HBO and I was urged to watch it, which I did, for about 10 minutes. That was enough.

It wasn’t even funny, except that it lampooned Bush and that seems to delight so many of us.

I speak not as a Republican, nor as a Democrat, but rather as someone who knows the difference between humor and bullying. We all know about bullying in the schoolyard and that’s what this was, especially with the audience joining in with cheers and jeers. I know what it’s like when a mob sets itself upon a particular individual and begins to chase this individual with curses, taunts, derision and laughter. I call this mobism.


Drunks on a Train


By Jack Engelhard


Over the weekend there was a BEER FESTIVAL in Atlantic City. This event drew thousands from throughout Pennsylvania, New Jersey and states east, west, north and south, and in fact (at least I think it’s a fact) there’s nothing like a beer festival to get people hopping on trains, planes and automobiles heading for the shore. Once upon a time there was The Miss America Pageant, but that’s all gone, and we’re left with beer, beer pageants.